Heart vs Head: Should we have another child?

It’s possible to have too much of a good thing. Chocolate, sunlight, dad dancing to cheesy music, wine…

All bring me deep joy in small doses. But too much of it can bring pain and misery and make me wish I’d thought about it a bit more. I need my sensible head to control my primal urge to eat garbage, get drunk and make a tit of myself.

And I think it’s the same with children. As much fun as it would be to have my own little football team, in reality it would drive me insane.

Being a parent of one child is a mammoth task – raising multiple kids is an undertaking that non-parents would struggle to comprehend.

The conversation of how many kids Amy and I would have has cropped up many times between us.

Now, like millions of other parents, we’ve arrived at a decision, so I thought I’d share some of my reflections on it all.

For us, it all came down to the heart vs the head. 

Gut feelings

We each had, like I suppose many people do, our own instinct about how many kids we wanted. 

Amy’s always had her heart set on three, whilst I always imagined two.

This probably stems from our own childhoods, Amy being the youngest of three and me being part of a two. 

I was always open to the idea of three, but it was always a case of ‘let’s just see how we get on with one and two first’’. 

On the scoreboard

It’s difficult to put into words the moment you become a father. Mia’s arrival brought a wave of emotions I never knew I possessed. The phrase ‘life-changing’ is overused but this is one of the rare occasions where it’s warranted.

Some people plan on having their own little brood but then find that one’s plenty for them.

But there was never the slightest danger of her putting us off additional offspring. To be honest, Mia was an absolute dream of a baby. 

It was the easiest decision in the world to try for another one a year and a bit later. 

I knew deep down that I wanted another, and particularly hoped for a boy. I’d always pictured one of each for some reason. 

Double trouble

Jude arrived exactly a week after Mia’s second birthday. Which was good, as I’d always thought a two-year gap would work. Get it all out of the way in a relatively short time, and they’ll be close enough in age to bond with each other.

So, everything seemed to be going to our plans. 

But, as I’m sure most parents will tell you, having two kids is a whole new ball game. I can totally understand why some parents prefer to let their first get a bit older and more independent before bringing another squawking little prawn into the equation. 

Feeling the strain

Jude, being the helpless baby that he was, required an awful lot of attention. However, Mia, being the energetic, inquisitive and demanding two-year-old that she was, also required an awful lot of attention. 

It was exhausting, especially so for Amy once I went back to work.

Throw the fact that Jude was born in lockdown into the mix, and you’ve got a pressure cooker situation. 

Jude had had very little socialisation beyond Amy’s parents, who were in our support bubble. This meant he just wasn’t comfortable with other people for a long time. So we couldn’t palm him off let him spend time with his relatives regularly, as we did with Mia. 

And while Jude was by no means a nightmare baby, he just wasn’t quite the cherub that Mia was. More sleepless nights, more tantrums, more teething issues, more little illnesses – I suppose a more normal baby. 

It all led to a fair bit of stress for me and Amy. 

And the thought of a third baby in the midst of it all suddenly began to feel like madness. 

Pesky practicalities 

Of course, babies don’t just take a toll on your sanity and energy levels. 

For us, there was a tonne of practical considerations that essentially boiled down to money and time.

Sure, we’d plenty of stuff left over from Mia and Jude that would suit another baby just fine. We’ve always tried to keep our parental expenditures down anyway.

But there’d be all sorts of other bits and pieces that we’d need to buy for the new one – nappies, baby food, replacements for all the clothes covered in various digestive fluids, a new cot (as Jude’s still in his) and so on.

But that wouldn’t be the major issue – where would it all go?

We’re lucky that our 3-bed house is fairly spacious and has decent storage. But it’s only 3-bed. 

Another kid means we either upsize or someone’s gonna have to share. 

And the fact is, we can’t afford a bigger house. And even if we could, the fourth bedroom would likely be a boxroom. 

I’m sure there are thousands of kids who share bedrooms or have a boxroom and they’re very content, but it’s just not an idea we were keen on. Amy had shared bedrooms and had a boxroom when she was a kid, and hated it.

Then there’s the car. We could squeeze three car seats in the Scenic, but certainly not in my regular hatchback. 

And what about further down the line when we want to provide them with an exciting and memorable childhood?

With three kids, would we be able to afford activities, treats, days out, holidays? An extra person could add up to thousands more a year.

When they develop their individual interests, how would we be able to accommodate them? If Mia and Jude want to pursue completely different things, go to different clubs and do different activities on a weekend, that’s fine. I can take one and Amy can take the other. 

But with three kids between two adults, how would that work? How would we make sure each child was able to do what they wanted?

Surely it’s better to give two kids a fulfilled life than three kids something less? That’s what we thought anyway. 

I know there are plenty of parents out there who have three, four, five or more kids who manage to give their kids an amazing upbringing, and I’m in bewildered awe of them. But for us, it would’ve been a stretch too far.

We also needed to consider our parents. We’re incredibly fortunate that our parents play such an active role in Mia and Jude’s lives. They have them over pretty much every week, they look after them whilst we’re at work, they pick them up from nursery, and more.

But they deserve a break. They’ve done their bit (and continue to do so with Mia and Jude) for us. Expecting them to go above and beyond with another of our kids would be asking too much of them at this stage.

Sticking with a pair

So it is that we’ve decided to stick to Mia and Jude. 

It wasn’t an easy decision, particularly for Amy, who will always have that little piece of her that longed for another. 

If our second had been a girl, I think I would’ve gone for a third, just to see if I could get my boy. 

And if circumstances allowed, of course I’d have more kids. When I eventually get the snip, there’ll be a brief moment of sorrow for the kids I’ll never have. But it’s what’s best for our family.

It’s fun to act on impulse and follow your heart sometimes, but kids are definitely something where you’ve got to weigh up the options. Babies are for life, not just for Christmas.

How did you decide that enough’s enough?