Ah, Butlins – a rite of passage for millions of British children.
It’s quite the national institution. Hundreds of thousands of us visit the Skegness resort every year. And that’s not even the biggest one. Pre-pandemic, the company turned over almost a quarter of a billion pounds.
Our ticket to Butlins arrived through a timely bit of good luck. Amy and I were going a bit stir crazy, and she’d decided that we simply needed to get away. It just so happened that a client of hers told her about a special offer for Tot’s Week at Butlins.
Despite some hesitation over me taking time off work and taking Mia out of nursery, we went ahead and booked it. Desperate times and all that.
We even managed to drag Amy’s parents along for the ride.
Anyway, now the dust has settled, I thought I’d share some highlights, lowlights and insights from a whirlwind of a trip.
Day 1 – we’re on our way (and we’re not late!)
The omens were good – for the first time in four years of parenthood, we managed to get out of the door at the time we’d planned.
Bags packed the night before, car loaded up, cats fed, Jude deciding not to indulge in his peculiar habit of doing a huge crap mere seconds before we leave the house – good to go.
The in-laws even rocked up expecting to spend an hour or so helping us get our arses into gear. Their shock and relief when they pulled up and saw us getting into the car was palpable.
After a very pleasant journey through delightful Lincolnshire countryside, we finally spied the famous Skyline pavilion looming like the sails of some great ship on the open sea.
However, it looks much better from a distance.
Skyline’s seen better days
Unable to get into our apartment til 3, we headed into the pavilion to take stock. The father-in-law and I made a bee-line for the Jellyfish lounge for some welcome refreshment. We may or may not have exaggerated the hardship of our three-hour drive in order to quell the mother-in-law’s protests that it was too early for a drink.
The place was still pretty quiet so we took stock of our surroundings. I got the sense that the pavilion would’ve looked fantastic when it was built in 1999. However, it certainly needs a freshening up.
Pigeons made themselves comfortable in the upper reaches and they left plenty of evidence. Some bits of the structure were rusting and the once pearly white canopy now boasts vast swathes of brown staining.
This tired aspect extended to the accommodation buildings too. They had that quaint seaside aesthetic of pastel-coloured wood panels, but up close you could see they weren’t in the best condition – peeling paint, covered in moss and lichen, rusty railings and stairwells.
The inside of our apartment was clean and comfortable enough, though.
The mother-in-law being a shrew – sorry, shrewd – planner, we had plenty of lovely pre-cooked meals that we could simply reheat.
Bedtime bedlam
After tucking into one of those delights, Amy and I took the kids out for a little while before bedtime to see what was going on. The oldies were knackered so they stayed in the apartment watching Corrie.
We stumbled upon a great little panto in Red’s, one of the resort’s several huge venues. It was Robin Hood, which worked out because Mia and Jude happened to have watched the Disney version approximately 150 times in the previous few weeks.
Credit where it’s due, the show was awesome, and Mia was transfixed in sheer wonder. There was even a disco afterwards, where the kids danced til they dropped. Crash and burn and home to bed.
Or so we thought.
Perhaps the panto had got the kids all wired, or maybe the novelty of it all sent them crazy. Perhaps (no, definitely) it was a terrible mistake putting them in the same room.
Either way, they were up all night getting into all sorts of trouble. Luckily for us, the grandparents had taken the room next to theirs. We were at the other end of the apartment, deep in blissfully ignorant slumber.
We found out in the morning that Grandad had to get up five times in the night, and the kids only settled down once he threatened to drive home.
Safe to say, Jude’s cot was moved to our bedroom for the remainder of the holiday.
Day 2 – not in the best mood
Unsurprisingly, Mia’s nighttime shenanigans left her (and her grandparents) tired and grumpy. Our failed attempts to explain that she needed to be awake during the day to enjoy the holiday became a recurring theme, and every night was a battle getting her to bed.
We kicked off the day with Soccer Tots – absolute carnage as a swarm of pre-schoolers chased footballs around a tiny, freezing-cold astroturf pitch as their parents tried to stop them from stealing other kids’ balls.
Mia and Jude seemed to enjoy it plenty though.
Next stop was the fairground. This was a great little feature as you get unlimited rides for free. The kids certainly made the most of it.
There was a very hairy moment when a crazy little waif of a girl managed to wriggle free of the restraints on the mini-aeroplane ride and almost fell out.
Disco and date night
Afternoon brought us to the Skyline Pavilion for the tots’ disco. Apparently, everyone on camp got the memo for this one as it was absolutely heaving. There were no seats available so we loitered awkwardly near the stage waiting for it to begin.
I honestly could not imagine this place at full capacity. We found out the resort was about half-full, and the crowds were just about bearable. With double the number of people there, it must be an absolute nightmare.
Anyway, out popped the same DJ from the previous night’s disco and there were the old familiar tunes, Baby Shark getting plenty of airtime. The kids enjoyed it well enough, but with it being broad daylight and everyone starting to get a bit pissed off with feeling like a sardine, the party fell a bit flat so we turned in.
The in-laws took over bedtime duties so Amy and I had our date night at the Firehouse Grill – the Butlin’s knock-off version of Nando’s.
We’d hoped to stay out a while, but the food arrived in staggeringly quick time. I’m talking five minutes after ordering. We did wonder if they’d just microwaved some leftovers. It was passable, if uninspiring.
Since we were done much earlier than planned, we got some booze in and convinced the oldies to have a bit of a session with us (although it was mainly just me and the father-in-law having one of those deep, meandering conversations about anything and everything).
Day 3 – rough running
With the Leeds Half-Marathon just around the corner, I’d intended to do some running whilst on holiday. So with a heavy head, I tootled off along the promenade – not the most cheerful of places, and the vista was somewhat spoiled by the hundreds of wind turbines not far out to sea (I suppose this necessary evil will become a more regular sight around British coasts).
Amy planned to take the kids to the beach that day, but it was freezing and I didn’t fancy it. Jude was knackered so I seized the opportunity to take him for a nap. However, he spent the entire time bawling in his cot, meaning I couldn’t relax or do work as I’d planned. Serves me right for my conniving attempt to escape the Baltic beach.
Perfect pool, but Peppa not so prime
He perked up later at the Splash Waterworld. It’s a fantastic place, with all sorts of different water features and slides for the kids. Again, it was busy but bearable – I hate to imagine what it would have been like at full capacity.
Some big moments for the kids, as Mia conquered her fear of the big slide, built up to fever pitch during ten minutes of queuing, and Jude floated on his own without clinging on to any of us or screaming.
The Peppa Pig show in the evening was a bit of a let-down. I don’t know what I was expecting to be honest. The plot was quite unfathomable, supposedly about a trip to the beach but all they did was wait for the bus to the beach. Not to mention the ham acting (sorry).
That night, I managed to sneak out to Hotshots bar to watch Liverpool demolish Villareal, and had a decent game of Scrabble with the mother-in-law when I got back. She stormed into an unassailable lead with ‘tavernas’ netting her a 50-point bonus. A steward’s inquiry found that it’s been integrated into the English language enough to count in Scrabble.
Day 4 – Mia’s birthday
The big 4. After a lovely time opening her presents, we hit the fairground again. Thankfully there were no kids with a deathwish this time.
After a deliciously eclectic birthday lunch of leftover curry, hummus and crisps, we got ready for the main event – Justin Fletcher live.
He’s something of a national institution, at least amongst parents. This was evidenced by the mammoth queue that awaited us outside the venue. Apparently, some people had waited there since nine in the morning (the show was at one).
As we only arrived 20 minutes early, we didn’t get a table, but we sat on the floor right in front of the stage.
It started with a bang as the great man himself burst onto the stage radiating energy and joy.
However, Mia had a moment when she dropped her drink on a man near us. His understandable look of annoyance shook her up a bit. Added to her tiredness, the flashing lights and the noise and the enormous throng of Fletcher Fanatics, I think it was all a bit much for her. She had a bit of a meltdown, but Jude was absolutely loving it.
As the show ended, hundreds of starstruck parents with toddlers balanced on their shoulders scrambled over the chairs to surround the stage. Justin played some sort of rave song – it was like a toddler version of Ibiza. Truly awesome.
Birthday meal
That night, we planned to go for a meal together, but all the site restaurants were full (probably for the best given the mediocre experience we had the other night). We managed to get a last-minute booking at a little Italian down the road called San Rufo’s.
I can wholeheartedly recommend this place if you’re ever in Skegness. It was splendid, though the only way we could keep Jude under some semblance of control was to put Go Jetters on Amy’s iPhone. It’s not something we like doing, but it’s the only way we can eat out without it turning into a complete shambles as Jude tries to escape and/or throw cutlery around.
Day 5 – hometime
So that was that. Without a doubt the least relaxing holiday I’ve ever had – and that includes a stag do in Benidorm.
But we weren’t there to relax. It achieved its goal of providing non-stop entertainment for the kids and allowing me and Amy to forget about our real-life adult worries for a little while. They’ll be some of Mia’s earliest memories, and no doubt they’ll be happy ones (mostly).
Would I go again?
It depends.
Only on some sort of heavily discounted special offer. The full price of our package would be the best part of a grand – I could think of better ways to spend that much money. But for what we paid, it was definitely worth it.
I also wouldn’t go there in the school holidays if my life depended on it. I honestly can’t see how it would be an enjoyable experience with the amount of queueing and battling your way through huge crowds you’d have to do.
There were many things that I’ll certainly remember fondly – the swimming pool was awesome for the kids, Justin Fletcher was phenomenal and the fairground was a great little inclusion, among other highlights. It all contributed to a genuine feel-good vibe for most of the week.
We were ready to get back to the relative peace and quiet of home though.
Are you one of the many parents to experience the unique craziness of Butlins? How did your trip compare? Let me know.
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